Chapter 10: The End
As Grey packed up his tiny apartment and left the life I knew with him; this quote started to resonate with me.
“Sometimes people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.”
When I committed to this journey, I pictured a different ending; one filled with multitudes of suitors while I sat on a throne, trying to decide which one I would ride off into the sunset.
As I looked around Grey’s living room, I let the reality sink in. I was currently surrounded by men. But these men had not arrived to win my heart, they were here to move Grey’s apartment to Napa where he accepted a job offer. It is funny how life plays tricks on you.
I knew this day was coming and I thought I was prepared for it. But as I watched one piece of furniture disappear after another, the truth of the situation hit me. Grey was leaving and I had to let go. Being able to say goodbye has always been the hardest yet most powerful skills I have learned. But even with practice, it doesn’t come easily. As the moving van left and we said our goodbyes, I found myself crying while I drove, admitting that I hadn’t felt such heartbreak in a while. There was no motivation for the separation which made it harder. I needed “a light-switch moment”; something that pushed me hard enough to walk away. I needed it because I wanted a reason to let go and never look back. The limbo hovering over me was torturous and I forgot how hard it was to forget about a constant presence overnight.
Despite Grey’s departure, I stayed in contact with him through regular texts and phone calls. We took turns visiting each other in an effort to tread water while I waited to see which way the pendulum would swing. I still had hope that the after effects of my influence would create lasting change in him; that somehow he would finally see the magic that I brought into his life.
The time without the constant physical presence of Grey allowed me to see my own magic. I was becoming more successful in my career which created more financial independence for me and my daughters. Receiving news that my “landing pad” of an apartment was being sold was the push I needed to finally buy a home; something I dreamed but never had the confidence to pursue. And then there was my writing. A new passion that I discovered through my pain yet it had brought me great purpose.
Subconsciously, I gave Grey a lot of credit for my success. I forgot that my writing started long before he entered and only focused on the inspiration he delivered. I felt like I needed him to continue and so I encouraged him to write, to tell the “other side” of the story I spent so many months living and sharing. I wanted him to elevate and join me in my success. I dreamed of book releases, TED talks and changing the way people viewed modern dating; but all of those dreams centered around him and I together. The glaringly obvious part was that I didn’t feel confident doing it on my own. I thought I needed him so I could continue to fly.
With all of my encouragement and his equal ambition to write our story, he never delivered. His writing was much like our relationship; hours spent telling the stories of other women in his life while I remained absent from the dialogue. And while he was adamant about wanting to continue our relationship, he also didn’t want to be exclusive. But I wanted a relationship, a commitment and even though I was afraid of admitting it to him and to myself; it was becoming clearer that he wasn’t “the one” as the days went on.
While I contemplated how we were going to move forward, Grey suggested that we start dating other people. Knowing that he was far away and not interested in committing to me, I agreed. I went on a few dates but my dating style changed. I wanted to find a good partner, someone who matched the qualities in a relationship that I brought to the table. While finding a large quantity of dating applicants was easy, finding the quality I was looking for was nearly impossible.
Meanwhile, Grey’s dating style felt like a bad movie on repeat. The revolving door of random women began to resurface and I was disgusted. What once was a challenge was now a form of complete disrespect. I hated the way he treated women like they were disposable and unimportant. I saw through his routine of getting drunk, inviting them for a night in his hot tub and then strategically taking advantage of them like they were some toy he could play with for the night and return the next day. I constantly asked myself what I saw in him and I was running out of answers.
My disgust caused my temper to fire and I thought my “light-switch moment” had finally come. I would tell him how repulsive he was and break off my communication with him. But his manipulation was fierce and he would counter my attack with silence and patience; eventually finding a way to convince me that he was capable of change but we just needed better communication and “ground rules”. I would contemplate his proposal, knowing I should walk away but the hole he left in his absence would propel me to forgive; to try again.
“Dating in the Grey” was an experiment for me but it was lawless territory.
I had followed Grey’s structure, I figured out that he didn’t have all of the answers. He provided a philosophy but not a practice.
I made it passed the six month mark of non-exclusive dating, what happens now?
.
I was no closer to a commitment and my dysfunctional relationship with Grey seemed to be returning where we started and I simply couldn’t stomach it. I needed boundaries to protect myself. The rules I established were what most would call “morals” but since Grey was missing that quality, I drew it out for him.
Internally, I knew he would never honor the boundaries that I set. I was confident that he would fail. I didn’t establish the rules because I wanted to salvage our relationship. I could finally see that he was able to provide short term adjustments but incapable of long term change. I established boundaries because I needed power. I needed something concrete so I could stop the constant manipulation, the never-ending promises and provide myself with an unwavering excuse to leave him.
It only took a few weeks for Grey to deliver the demise of our relationship. It was something he had done a million times before, the only difference was the boundaries or “ground rules” I had put into place. When a first date cocktail greeting turned into a hot tub encounter that ended with a night with a random woman in his bed, I didn’t react. I didn’t freak out and call him insistently in hopes of convincing him to have better judgement. I didn’t voice my hurt or throw consequences in his face. I simply waited because I knew there was nothing he could do or say to change my mind. Our conversation happened the next day when his one night stand disappeared. I knew he had failed before I spoke to him; the play by play text messages he sent me throughout the night were proof. I was angry with him, not because he broke the rules but because he thought I was stupid enough to forgive him. As I read him the list of boundaries scribbled on tiny sheets of paper that I had held onto for this very moment, he began his manipulation. Promises of change and the “realization” that he wanted to begin a monogamous relationship were words that I longed to hear but it was far too late. I only wanted to know one thing.
“Why didn’t you honor my boundaries?” I asked.
“I didn’t think about you”, he replied.
Grey had done many things to hurt me and yet I always saw the good in him.
I always hoped that his promises would lead to a commitment from a better man.
It wasn’t until I heard the words “I didn’t think about you” that I realized I meant absolutely nothing to him. I never have and I never will.
It was the lightbulb moment I needed. I felt like I had been playing a never-ending game of chess in which I was losing. But at the last moment, I found a “check mate” tactic that allowed me to prevail. It was strategic. I knew that I couldn’t use my feelings as a viable tool for negotiation. I had to use actions, his actions. And when the moment arrived and I questioned him about his choices, there was no evidence of accountability. According to him, it was a “subconscious” choice that he later regretted. If we could all claim “subconscious” behavior for all of wrongdoings, there would be a lot more criminals on the streets and narcissists to date.
For the first time, the hole that he left in his absence felt like a lightness that entered my world. I no longer was living with constant anxiety over another person’s behavior. I wasn’t habitually caretaking a broken man in hopes of repairing him. I realized how calm my life was without him and I was disappointed in myself for suffering for so long. I started fulfilling my own emotional needs with long talks with female friends and spending quality time with my darling daughters. I saw myself being fully present without the heaviness of Grey’s issues haunting me. And while I had told myself over the last six months that Grey was my inspiration and I “needed” him, I realized that he needed me more than I ever needed him.
As much as I was disappointed in the way things ended with Grey, I was grateful for the valuable lessons I gained from this experience.
This chapter of my life allowed me to truly explore.
I explored different types of men and even a woman. I explored the world outside of traditional values and standards of what a relationship looks like. I practiced being truly honest, communicating my feelings whether they were good or bad. I practiced standing up for myself and speaking my mind. I practiced forgiveness and acceptance. I practiced setting boundaries and holding them. I practiced loving someone despite their flaws. As for the way I look at myself, I learned to fully accept and love my physical form. The parts that used to make me want to hide, I have grown to accept and cherish.
With all of the positives, there were some negative impacts that this experience brought me. It fed into the self established narrative that “I will never be good enough”. I know how silly it sounds but it was something that constantly rang through my head as I watched one man after another want to be with someone else. I realized that it is not me who makes them act this way, but it is the men I choose. I am accountable for choosing emotionally unavailable men and I want to change that. I have decided that online dating was no longer serving me. I have learned enough lessons, gone on enough dates and have enough experience to last me a lifetime. I will still remain open to dating, but I will rely on the natural selection process that happens organically instead of through computer generation. I learned that I must be more particular with the people I bring into my life. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. I need to listen to my gut because it is always right. There was a part of me that thought I was incapable of loving someone, that my heart was too scarred to open again. This was simply not true. I am completely capable of loving but I need to choose men who are capable of loving me in the same way. I recognize the parts of myself that have led me to failure; accepting less than I deserve, filling my time with available yet unattainable prospects and not making my needs a priority. I am not ashamed. Failure is trying. Failure is learning. Failure is growth. I’m proud of my failure because if I am able to love the wrong people, imagine what I could do with the right one.
A girlfriend recently asked me “Do you regret writing about Mr. Grey and “Dating in the Grey”?”.
There is a part of me that does regret it. I regret giving him so much shine when he didn’t deserve it. I regret broadcasting my terrible choice in a man; despite the warnings from countless people. I regret giving so much of myself to a man that simply did not care about me at all. Yes, I do regret some things. But at the same time her question made me realize why I write. Life isn’t composed of only the shiny, perfect parts. Life is messy, it comes with lessons and mistakes. The lack of “messy” stories was exactly why I started sharing my own mess. And sharing my imperfect life has created lasting friendships, a tremendous amount of support and has served a a source of inspiration to some. I continue to share, despite the judgment it may cause me, because this experience wasn’t perfect. It didn’t end up where I thought it would. And I am ok with that. Without the struggle, the success would not be so great.
